RUN LIKE A CHAMPION

Family Life – 3
Sammy Tippit: We’ve been talking about the relationship of the family. Probably the most critical thing (Tex, you mentioned it earlier) is forgiveness. I think that’s probably one of the greatest needs in all of our families: to be forgiven and to be able to forgive. Forgiveness is really at the center and the very heart of Christianity. It’s why Jesus came.

That’s why he died on the cross. Of course, on the cross he said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” So at the very heart of what Christianity is all about is forgiveness. When we come to the family life, we find forgiveness is critically important, especially in developing relationships with others. I’ve found that often (don’t misunderstand me on this), the greatest hurts come from the people you love the most.
It’s because you love them so much and you love so deeply that you feel the hurt so greatly. In any marriage, in good marriages… As a matter of fact, the better the marriage is, the deeper the hurt probably feels. So when you say you have to forgive or be forgiven, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a good marriage, but forgiveness has to be right at the core and the heart of everything. That’s my take on it. Let me just throw it out to you guys. How important has forgiveness been in your relationship from your perspective? How important is forgiveness?
Kelly Tippit: Well, I think it’s like what you said. In any marriage, any relationship, you need to have forgiveness, but I think it’s just vital in marriage. Without it, I don’t think we would still be married. Because you go through so much in life, there are going to be ups and downs, and if you want to have intimacy and keep going, you’re going to have to learn to forgive, or you’ll drift apart and just kind of coexist. That’s not the point of marriage.
Sammy: Let me ask you a follow-up on that. You tell me if I’m wrong in this assumption, but a lot of times girls are presented, as they grow up, with the idea that their knight in shining armor is going to come along. Then I would think you would subconsciously have that idea. Then all of a sudden you see his flaws, and you see that he’s not the knight in shining armor. He’s just a regular guy. How do you deal with that? Is that forgiveness, or is that just acceptance?
Kelly: Yeah, I think that’s something… We watch TV. We see marriages. We kind of idealize what marriage is going to look like. Then when it kind of comes down to it, it’s hard work. It’s getting up and having to face difficult decisions and being disappointed in people. It is a challenge, but I think it’s important to know it’s supposed to be that way. It’s not supposed to be this knight in shining armor. That’s not really even how God intended it.
We are there to help each other grow and become more like Christ, so I think that if we change our perspective going into marriage, being thankful that God gave us this opportunity with this person to grow with but realizing it’s going to be hard work… You don’t feel like you have to bail because it’s not the way Hollywood makes it out to be.
Sammy: Yeah. Dave, what about you?
Dave Tippit: I think that, just adding on that… Like you said, you come into marriage with these certain expectations. Those expectations aren’t met, so you automatically become a little bit more jaded, a little bit more cynical. There’s a great quote by one of America’s greatest presidents, Abraham Lincoln.
He said something like, “If you look at people expecting to find faults, you surely will find them there.” It’s all about your perspective. If you’re looking at that person… You’ve been wronged, and something happens and happens again. You start to look at that person and hold on to that offense rather than releasing it. The biblical word for forgiveness in the Greek is actually a combination of two words.
It means to send away. It means that when you really have truly forgiven, you’re not holding on to it anymore. You’ve sent it away to the cross of Christ. He has forgiven that. You’ve forgiven that. Then it’s gone. I think there’s a lot about perspective within forgiveness too. It’s releasing and then having that perspective to see the good within the person rather than the bad.
Sammy: Let me share the flipside of that too. I had a friend who was just a great man of prayer and taught on prayer. It was really a blessing for me. He said that when you’re criticized or someone sees something in you, if you will have the perspective that if they knew the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, it would be much worse than their criticism of what they know is… That is a spirit of humility and really realizing who you are. What keeps us from it, Tex? What would you say is the greatest hindrance to forgiving?
Tex Tippit: Selfishness on my part. I think sometimes I can be selfish and want my way, and if you’re doing it another way, maybe I start building up barriers and hindrances. Maybe you’ve hurt me and vice versa, and I have a choice to forgive or not to forgive. If I hold it, that’s hurting me. It’s not just hurting you, but it’s hurting me too. And it hurts my relationship with Jesus if I’m holding unforgiveness.
Sammy: Yeah. You know, in most situations when we hold it in, we don’t hurt the other person. Really, I find that we’re just hurting ourselves. The only way we’re hurting the other person in the relationship is in that there’s a barrier, a wall, that builds up in the relationship then. What has been helpful to you guys in forgiving? I don’t think forgiveness comes naturally. I might say it comes supernaturally. What helps you to be able to forgive when you’ve been hurt?
Dave: I think that a lot of times, there’s the issue behind the issue. There may be an explosion, anger, or whatever comes out, but that’s not the root of the issue. The root of the issue is something deeper, so you have to get to the root of the issue. A lot of times, the best time to get to the root is not in the middle of a big blowup. It’s whenever there’s calm.
Really, whenever there’s calm after you’ve gone away and been by yourself to pray or whatever you needed to do to calm down, it’s just to get back and honestly, as a couple, just come together with each other’s best interest at heart and talk through what the things are that trigger that reaction. What are the things you find yourself becoming defensive on whenever something comes up? Get to the root of the issue, because many times there’s an issue behind the issue that has to be forgiven. It’s not just the outward manifestation of that.
Sammy: I want to just kind of say something here. This really hasn’t been our problem, but I know it is a problem for a lot of people. Some people have a problem just talking to each other. In other words, they explode and lose their tempers. Just having that conversation when you get down to the deep things is hard because the hurt and pain is so deep.
One of the things we have recommended for couples to do if they are in that situation is go to a public place and talk about those things. Go out to eat. In other words, go somewhere where you’ll be embarrassed to raise your voice and yell so you can kind of have a reasonable conversation about these things in a manner that is right.
Because sometimes when you talk about the issue behind the issue, it can be really hurtful, so we need to kind of be in a position where we’re not going to just yell and scream at each other. It has to be listening and talking. Listening… Would being able to listen be a thing you would say is important?
Dave: Yeah.
Tex: Yeah, without judgment, just say, “Okay, I’m thinking in my mind, ‘Sure,’ yet I have to listen to what his heart is saying and vice versa.” If he’s coming to me and says, “I spoke to you harshly,” or, “I hurt you in what I said,” I need to really listen and say, “Okay. Lord, give me the grace to forgive him,” and vice versa.
Sammy: Yeah. This has been recent.
Tex: Last night.
Sammy: Last night. It’s true. So you never get past this. It’s something that’s always there that you have to do. Forgiveness is critically important, and I would say that probably, if you’re going to have a long-term, growing relationship, you have to learn to forgive, be forgiven, seek forgiveness, and humble yourself. Grace is applied to the humble heart, and it goes back to that spirit of humility that allows us to forgive and be forgiven.